So. I'm in the library writing a paper, feeling all my undergrad classes in Constitutional Law come crawling slowly back into my brain. It's really going pretty well. I'm considering not double-spacing so that I don't go over the page limit (I may have gotten a little carried away talking about cases, but that stuff is so ridiculously interesting...I'm a nerd, I know.). But I had to stop for a minute.

The part of me that has no self-esteem (which, to be honest, is most of me), constantly questions who exactly I think I am, to be going back to school after a few years out, to be in a DOCTORAL program of all things. Like I can hang intellectually with these people. I got pwned when I tried to lead discussion in my PhD class last week, and my little self-esteem plant that I had managed to grow got pulled up by the roots. I'm just a stressed-out, medicated, overweight, frumpy, chick who is about to cost her family a LOT of money for a dream. Then I think about the sadness of turning in a paper that Dad hasn't read, and I'm overcome with tears and a need to have hashbrowns.

I try to kick my backside mentally. I'm not very good at it yet. I can tell myself that obviously someone in the department thinks I can hang, because they accepted me. And then they gave me funding, even if it at a level where I'm pretty sure I'd qualify for food stamps and Medicaid. And they're trusting me with undergrads come Spring or Fall semester next year. And well, the physical stuff, I'm doing what I can. I actually wear makeup. I straighten my hair from time to time. I miss it being long.

I went a few days ago and spent money that we really don't have buying hippie dresses. Because I was always happiest when I was dressed like that. And I bought sandals. And painted my toenails red. And realized that it's 74 business days until I swap my uniforms, pantyhose, and high heels for my hippie dresses, sandals, and other things I LOVE wearing.

Because I've signed the contract. I'm committed to doing this. I HAVE to jump. Let's face it, this is Noah's college savings account. And I've always been told to play to my strengths. I'm a nerd. I'm a geek. Whatever. I even have the glasses for it and everything.

74 days. Then it's summer vacation forever. And maybe Ramen noodles for me for the next four years. But if you happen to be on OU's campus and see a slightly...erm...curvy, really pale chick be-bopping along wearing a hippie dress and sandals, stop me and we'll get coffee.