Keep me in your thoughts, pretty please.

Recovery has not been going very well. I'm pretty sure that most of you know, but just in case you don't, I've had an eating disorder for the last ten years. First it was anorexia, then it was bulimia. My pregnancy acted as a motivator for me to stop my behavior for a while, as did breastfeeding after Noah got here. In the months since Noah weaned himself, things have gotten worse. The stress from not being able to do what I want to do (stay home) compounded with my job has made things hard on me. So a couple of weeks ago I came out and told three of my good friends what was going on.

Now I'm telling you guys. We've reached the point of scary, and I need to tell people what's going on so I don't have the comfort of it being in secret.

I have talked to our girls about the trap of bad relationships/eating disorders/negative self-esteem and body image for a long time. I have talked about the importance (especially in the church) of transparency about our struggles. I do think it still threw people when I went in front of the congregation and said "Hey, I have bulimia. I'm hurting myself. Please pray for me." instead of saying "I have struggles in my life." Being real is hard, but if the alternative is a skin-deep facade...well, I've done that and there is no benefit to be found in a superficial existance. I will not, at this point, get on my soap box about THAT particular issue. At least not any more than I just did. :)

I am starting tomorrow on a balanced and structured eating plan. I have been dysfunctional for so long that I have no concept of healthy eating, so we are hoping that this plan will help. Please pray that I will be able to adjust my paradigm to be a healthy one. I no longer know what "normal" is or feels like because it has been so long since I was there.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Eating disorders are a strange and powerful addiction. Chances are that you know someone who struggles with this, or maybe it's something that you have to fight yourself. Just be compassionate. Listen. And don't be afraid to kick someone's butt if it needs to be done.

So. That was a ramble. Tomorrow we will return to our regularly scheduled programming and I will have some adorable pictures of my sweeties.